One of Gen-Z’s glaring issues has always been their extremely erratic and confusing relationships. I wouldn’t consider myself particularly elderly, although I certainly do feel like I’ve had quite a bizarre and lengthy relationship history. Like most people my age, I found myself stuck in cycles of everything from “talking stages” to “situationships” to “settle-downs” and more. It took quite a series of bad decisions and failed relationships before I realized the obvious problem: the type of people I was attracting and more importantly, the kind of person I was. Whether it was a sub-par friendship or a mediocre relationship, a recurring issue I always faced was that the people themselves I never considered my “ideal”. Think about it. What is an ideal type of friend, acquaintance, or partner you want? Are those the type of people you are surrounded by?

Then comes the obvious question: How do I attract my ideal? Well, it boils down to the most fundamental of principles: You attract what you are.
At the end of the day, like with most things to do with the self, becoming what you want to attract is easier said than done. It is a compartmentalized process that needs to be tackled from various angles.
To attract what you are, you must carefully tune the following 4 aspects of yourself: looks, lifestyle, personality, and beliefs and values.

Looks

Now, let me be clear about when I say “looks”. I am not only referring to some arbitrary scale of attractiveness (which is indeed important) but also your “physical persona”, i.e., the kind of person you present yourself to be. A handsome man in a suit and an alluring musician in a leather jacket are both considered very attractive. However, they most certainly are not similar at all in their physical persona, and they most certainly attract very different types of people. So think about what sort of “look” you find attractive. Perhaps you prefer more of a fitness individual, in which case you would have to build a gym body yourself, or maybe you’re into alternate-looking people, in which case you’ve got to consider that they are generally into queer-presenting people themselves.

Lifestyle

Your environment, routines, habits, living conditions and other everyday things make up your lifestyle. It is uncommon for partners or close friend circles to have distinct lifestyles because, after all, the people in your life are also a part of your lifestyle. Similar to the “looks” aspect, perhaps you prefer someone who likes to live an active lifestyle and stay in shape, in which case, you’ve got to live like that yourself. More often than not, people end up associating with others through their lifestyle. This is also why people in cohorts tend to lead the same lifestyle.

Personality

Contrary to popular opinion, more often than not, opposites do not attract. Whether we talk about romantic or platonic relationships, the concept of partners being complementary is mostly untrue. Anecdotal evidence heavily suggests that people are generally in cohorts with others possessing similar personalities. This is even more noticeable in long-term relationships. Build the personal characteristics and attributes you wish to see in your comrades and partners. Personally, I’ve always liked chilled-out ambiverts. Since I became one myself, I’ve noticed that many of my new friends have also been like that.

Beliefs and values

Mutually held values and principles are the foundation of a successful relationship. Now, I don’t mean that you must agree on every nitty-gritty thing. Still, rather, you need to generally agree on values regarding life, society, and culture. This might be something along the lines of family values, or perhaps work principles, or maybe even attitudes regarding physical intimacy and sex.

The crucial thing to understand is that curating ideal friendships and relationships is a very complex process that involves more than just reexamining yourself. However, I certainly believe that it is the foundational and most basic of steps that one must undertake before anything else because, after all, change starts from within.